Lets Talk | How My Anxiety Feels

That sudden flutter in your stomach, the catch of your breath, the race of your own pulse or the tingle at the tips of your toes can all very well be something you could call being anxious. I wouldn't argue this with you. A part of being human is to live and cope with the influx of emotions we feel on a daily basis. However, how would one cope feeling one single emotion continuously as though it embedded itself into your very own mindset.

As a child I never pictured my life being the daily struggle that it has become today. I envisioned finishing Highschool. I had wanted to be a Meteorologist when I was 10. A few years later I would fantasise about being an Assassin for hire. As a teenager I would dream about becoming an Actress but would push the desire into a deep corner of my heart for even as a young teenager I knew I needed to be realistic about my future. I've generally been a Socially Awkward person all my life. When I finally landed in Highschool the desperation to be liked grew enormously as well as the desire for friends. I often found it hard to create a solidified friendship with people as my need to be liked would often out weigh my need for common sense and I wound up attempting to befriend the wrong group of people all throughout highschool. I so badly wanted friends that I would act in a way I'm particularly ashamed of. I was cruel to others and would bully people who did not deserve it. Not that it ever satisfied the group of girls I wanted to be friends with. If anything I was seen as annoying loser to them and a side source of entertainment. Eventually I would spend my recess and lunch alone because they would make a game out of avoiding me. I would spend my time hiding in the bathrooms or staff toilets to avoid being seen alone. This kind of behaviour can permanently affect people in ways you can not imagine. Every group of girls I see giggling, snickering, pointing or even looking at me I assume they're making fun of me. They could very well be discussing the renovations on the Hadron Collider for all I know. My social experience in highschool tore my trust into a million pieces and as a result I have very few friends to this day.

Like almost everyone I would rebel but unlike a young adult letting off steam by sneaking a cigarette and occasionally ditching school I took to this new stage in life like a bull in a china shop and at a very young age. I eventually stopped going to school altogether. I started smoking, drinking, doing drugs, self harming and associating with criminals. Looking at me now nobody would guess I had lived such dark life but many would say it's just another way of growing up. I can't say I don't regret anything. There are many things I wish I could take back or re-do but at the end of the day the past is the past and that's generally where it stays.

I would go on to meet my first boyfriend later on and I do believe the events that followed that self destructive relationship lead to the condition of my anxiety today. We would drink, smoke and do drugs to our hearts content. He wasn't a very empathetic person. Combined with his conspiracy theorist personality this made him particularly unpleasant to spend time with once the honeymoon period ended. His behavior grew bizarre and would accuse me planting spy cameras or taunt me by rubbing my belly saying it's looks like you have a bun in the oven and give me the creepiest smiles. I used to get quite severe bouts of excruciating stomach pain that would later be diagnosed as an infected Gallbladder years later but at the time I thought my appendix would burst and lying in a sweaty pool of agony on my boyfriends kitchen floor I'd beg for an ambulance. He refused to call an ambulance and accused me of being a liar. I've had plenty of horrible nights but that truly was the night I lost the ability to trust a man. Our relationship fell apart not to long after this and I eventually cut all ties with him and his family and while I closed that chapter of my life I walked away from that with something rather permanent. Anxiety.

I remember sitting in my room one morning having not slept through the night in a panic. I couldn't relax. Thinking a walk would distract me I ventured outside that morning only to have the wind, planes going overhead and cars going by sending my nerves spiralling. By the time I made it home I could barely breath and I was hyperventilating. I sat in the corner of my room feeling like I was being crushed slowly. How can anyone survive like this? I'm going insane. I'm having a heart attack and I'm going to die. After a couple of hours my nerves would settle and I'd go to sleep exhausted. This would go on for months. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I no longer socialized. Leaving the house would send me into a panic. I'd learn later on that what I was suffering from was a Panic Attack. And I was getting them frequently. My GP would prescribe me Anti-Depressants and I would go through the gruelling process of learning to cope with my new neurotic personality. During the course of this I'd see many therapists, try many different prescriptions and practise many different methods of coping.

A Panic Attack will happen suddenly. They are not gradual and peak around the 20 minute mark. What the body does is go into defence mode. Adrenaline will rise and the blood will flow more rapidly to different area's of the body such as the legs in preparation to run. Not only do you feel hot, cold, dizzy, numb or find it hard to breath or move, many will describe a sense of impending doom or more particularly the fear of insanity. In general the experience is not fun. Not in the least. I once asked a paramedic to put me to sleep as I couldn't bear the feeling any longer. I've pulled hair out, put my fists through walls and cried an olympic pool amount of tears during these attacks. I've experienced a range of emotions I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy as hard as that may be to believe.

I live my life on a day to day basis. I've learnt not to parry with my anxiety as though it's a battle to be won but rather accepted it as a part of myself. Not every day is roses. I still get the occasional attack. With this comes annoying daily quirks. I used to yawn all the time because I couldn't breath properly. I stopped doing that after awhile and focused on the tinnitus in my ears. I can no longer sleep without the tv on as a result. I grind my teeth, chew my nails, and fidget like mad. I'm overly aware of my body and every little thing it does. Recently I've been focusing on the amount of saliva that mouth produces and constantly swallow resulting in making my throat sore or making myself feel ill but this behaviour has somewhat calmed down in recent months. Call me quirky. I call it tiresome but there is no off switch sadly.

My view on the whole changes quite a bit. Somedays I'll just wish I was normal. Other days I'll argue with myself about what the definition of normal is. I can go from being content with myself to being ashamed of admitting I take medication for my anxiety fearing people will think I have mental problems. 

Anxiety & Fear are altogether scarily similar. It goes without saying fear is the parent of cruelty and with that in mind sheds light on the how debilitating anxiety can be.

Until next time.

Gidget xx